Well, hi y’all. It’s been an incredibly long hot minute since I last blogged, and to be honest, I really don’t know how much I’ll be coming back here on a regular basis, as these days, if I’m being completely transparent, sharing so much about my feelings and cares publicly, doesn’t seem to interest me much. Maybe call it growth that I feel that I don’t have to share everything? Regardless, here is one long #faithtangent to be my one blog post so far for the year.

If you’ve known me awhile, you know I’m always looking for answers, divine inspiration and intervention and lessons in everything. Over the last year especially, I’ve been doing a lot of hard internal work and research around what drives me—emotions, the logic behind it, the validation, the no-longer-needing validation and how that all relates to my first love—ballet.

So, to get to it, because we also know I’m long winded, there’s been so much discussion lately about the toxicities of ballet and how that relates to what we learn at a young age is that “to be a professional in the arts is hard.”

But when we are young, we don’t understand what that hard means. For those that have “made it” (and I myself struggle saying that I “made it” because my apprenticed, and union, contracted company life was only 4.5 years long, and I consistently have to check myself with the acknowledgement that I have so much other experience, connections, and not to mention a degree,to back me up), we know what the actual hardships are, within the reality of the profession, but also what hardships are crafted, toxic, and don’t need to be upheld. Also for the record, I’m not finger pointing at people–sometimes we need to bring to light what can change in order for it to actually change. In order for the art of ballet to survive, the people within the art need to know what they should allow/not allow to be practiced.

I’m afraid that sometimes because parents or the public that don’t know or live that life just simply say “well I think that’s just how it is” and they accept it, when unfortunately, those of us that know go through years of soul searching to heal, know that it doesn’t have to just “be how it is.” Also, sometimes it takes years of getting to know ones’ self to be able to recognize what things are specifically hard personally, and I’m going to make these lists below with the disclaimer, that these are my opinions formed from my experiences as a student, teacher, dancer, and person. Keep in mind, everything in life has hardships and the hardships lend themselves to growth, confidence building, perseverance, and more. Toxic traits are those hardships that cause actual harm.

When you can recognize these things, you can control what you allow in your mind, body, and work. When you blur the line of what is acceptable and not acceptable, you put yourself at risk. There’s so much good in this artform and what it can do to benefit your life, but it’s important that dancers know what they don’t have to allow.

So thus, just a few realities of the dance world (could also potentially pertain to more arts organizations):

Hardship: The physical work. It hurts– you may have to push through blisters, corns, soreness, fatigue, the pain of rehab during an injury, 8 shows a week, monotonous rehearsals, even working through small injuries, building stamina, cross training, etc.

Toxic Behavior: Being told or believing that when you are injured, you are worthless. Performing with a kidney infection. Performing with a partially torn ligament. Believing that you should hide your injury in order to get a role or keep performing.

Hardship: The work on precision, details, exacting movement, and line.

Toxic Behavior: Using the mirror to nitpick your body, or letting someone else tell you what your body looks like or should look like. Reminder: The way you look does not determine your worth.

Hardship: Growing up in front of a mirror as you go through puberty, watch your body change, and as an adult, know that stress can affect your body, weight, etc. Yes, dance is an aesthetic art, but it’s not about being a certain size. It’s about how you feel and how you can execute movement and what you bring artistically. Yes, you are an athlete that has be able to sustain the workload of that rigorous schedule—that’s the hardship on the body.

Toxic Behavior: Losing weight for a role, or being asked your weight by a company, organization or director. Being told to lose weight. Using the mirror as a way to berate yourself and the way you look versus using it to check line and form and placement. Comments on someone’s chest size. Whether it’s behavior from a director, or from yourself, watch out for it, and check it.

Hardship: Dance is subjective. You won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Yes, some people like certain styles, ways of moving, watching dancers more than others. That can be a beautiful thing.

Toxic Behavior: When teachers or directors play favorites, ignore you for only a couple of people in the room, or publicly berate you because you’re not the favorite. When you believe you are less than because you didn’t get a certain role.

Honest Hardship: Constantly performing for the people at the front of the room, but understanding the people at the front of the room are trying to help you be better.

Toxic when: Dancers tend look to their teachers and directors for life direction and validation, (which is where directors need to work harder in making sure dancers that are hired young feel safe to speak up) but when dancers feel that they can’t have adult conversations or express who they are/how they are/how their bodies feel on any given day, then there’s a problem.

Hardship: Your passion is your job. This may seem silly, but it’s important that dancers understand that some days, it will feel like a job rather than a passion. This feeling will come and go, but it’s not something you should feel guilty for. Dancing for 9 hours a day + is hard and sometimes you just want to make it through any given hour.

Toxic Behavior: Being so obsessive about your work that you limit your life. Yes, your work can be your passion and you can fulfill your commitments, but pay attention when you limit your life—you say no to trips, weddings, vacation, and rest in order to “get ahead.”

Hardship/Reality: Yes, dancers and artists look for affirmations, just like any other human. We like to hear and know that we are doing a good job. Sometimes you won’t always get the pat on the back or the “yes!’

Toxic Behavior: Looking to your director or teacher to always give you that validation (yes, many directors can be better about offering this, but it’s also impractical to expect that another human can validate so many people in the room every day and in life, you can’t look to another person for your worth).

Hardship: Competition with your company or friends. Competition should be a healthy and good thing! You can be happy and elated from someone else’s successes and gifts. Yes, it is okay for your ego to be bruised or to want to push yourself to do more, work harder, etc.

Toxic: When you let your own self-worth fall because of someone else’s experience (there was room for both Hamilton and Aaron Burr!). When you bad-mouth other people or organizations to either gain business or manipulate other people, or make yourself feel better. When competition becomes backstabbing.

These are quick notes and comments for experiences, discussions, and conversations that could be had even further. And I know many people read about these things and think, “well why get into the arts if these things can happen?” Well, find comfort in that there are many of us out there doing this work, to make the arts world, artists and students, even directors alike, have a better experience. To make the arts world a better place, to make more room for cultivation and experience. For community. BECAUSE THE ARTS HOLD A MIRROR UP TO WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. We will never get rid of hardships, nor should we, for we can’t have happiness and fulfillment without knowing sadness and struggle, but we can know what thoughts, experiences, and behaviors can and should be checked at the door and where we can find our own strength in creation.