At the Bar: My Heart, Y’all, My Heart

Mr. Man and I have signed the lease on our apartment together. It’s a big step and y’all… I can hardly wait. I told him a few weeks ago, “I really love my own space and there are very few people in this world I would live with, but I can’t wait to do this with you.” And I literally can’t wait. It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever felt ready to make the next steps. That I can see a future and WOW. What a beautiful and peaceful feeling comes from that.

In my adult life, I’ve only ever had two roommates. One being my best friend in Colorado for a few months before she moved in with her now husband, and one being the ex-boyfriend I moved to Chicago with years ago.

On our way to sign the papers last week, I looked at Mr. Man, and told him that to be completely honest, to look at myself years ago with that ex, making that step and moving in together, versus doing this now, it’s incredible to look at not only how right this man is for me now, but how right I am to be doing this now.

I’m not the same girl I was when I took that step years ago. Having just left ballet, just moved to Chicago, changing lifestyles and being in a completely co-dependent relationship, I was bitter. I mean no ill will towards my ex, as I still to this day wish him well and am grateful for what we had, but we were babies. That relationship ran it’s course and honestly, it was a time in my life where I thought being in a relationship and finding the man in general was supposed to fulfill me. At that point I thought we were going to get married someday. He had given me a promise ring, but maybe I was so bitter because I knew deep down that we weren’t supposed to last. That we were too dependent on each other. And I was bitter because I doubted his want for me to be in his world. I felt that he was slipping away. But oh how I wanted to make him into what I needed (for my ego, pride, and security blanket from personal insecurities). And isn’t that the word? Isn’t that the key? I shouldn’t NEED my partner. I should WANT him. Plus, you can never MAKE anyone into what you want them. AND LADIES, this took me forever, YOU CANNOT FIX A MAN.

And thus, that’s where we have finally arrived to. I have found a man that I WANT. But, before I met Mr. Man, there were others. I dated men that were nice and men that were too nice. Men that were jerks and men that were real jerks. Last year I went through a manipulative and abusive relationship (probably not his story, but it is mine) and it was the last straw. I say this, because while some people might judge my dating life for not being very successful at times, and for going on a lot of dates, and either being too judgey of guys or not judgey enough, I truly look at the last year and I’m grateful for every dating experience I’ve ever had. I pray that no one ever has to hit that relationship that’s manipulative and abusive to finally look inward, which is why I write this, so pay attention. Pay attention to what keeps creeping up. Ask yourself why you keep wanting to fix people when really you need to fix yourself. Because the bigger story was about me finding me. With me being happy being my own roommate. For learning to not be a people pleaser for others all the time. For being a people pleaser for myself. For not needing to be what someone else wanted. For learning what works for me, what I stand for, what characteristics I posses and not compromising on who I am and for controlling what I allow in my life. (I’m a sucker for love and tend to believe the best in everyone which is maybe not the most beneficial when being a single girl dating in a world full of scheezes…. I’m also very hard headed and tend to do and learn things my own way so…… there’s that too….).

When I went on my first date with Mr. Man, I remember feeling so differently before that date than any other. While putting on my makeup and straightening my hair and jamming out to TSwizzie singing about love stories, I knew that this was different. That before I met him, I knew I was different. I wasn’t nervous about whether or not he would like me or my being charming, flirty, or cute. I mean, maybe I hoped he would think those things, but that wasn’t my overriding feeling. I was nervous and excited because this was a new girl to go on a date. This was the real me, and I was going to be vulnerable enough to show the real me to him. No performances, no acts, no nothing. I was prepared to go on the date and never see him again if it didn’t feel right. I wasn’t being pessimistic, I was being real with myself about how some things might just not be meant for me and that was okay. But I just so happened to get lucky that day (and every day since) that the man that saw the real me on that date was him. The man that almost nine months later can look at me when I’m acting passive aggressive or not saying what I need to say and without saying a word can give me a side eye and I know he sees right through me. That I see a life in which he will encourage me to look inside myself and dig deeper. To say what I’m not saying. See what I maybe don’t always want to see. But can also make me feel like the most beautiful creature on the earth.

I pray every day for us. To enjoy the process. The good things and the bad things. I pray for the excitement of combining our lives together and making this jump of moving in together. To share a home. To share a space that’s ours and go through the real ins and outs of a relationship. To communicate with each other on the daily and move forward together….I’m so excited for us. It’s different because we want each other in our lives. We don’t need each other. We are our own people. We are different. But oh how he balances me. Oh how he makes me look at the world with a grateful and lighthearted heart. Oh how grateful I am it took me this long. That at almost thirty, when some have been married for years and already have kids, my journey was meant to be this way. Our journey was meant to be this way.

My heart y’all, my heart.

3 thoughts on “At the Bar: My Heart, Y’all, My Heart

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